single in the city | runningandthecity

While I have no reason to say that because I am happily married, I am far from the typical woman who might want to get married. I really never thought I would get married, I was never interested in the whole marriage thing and definitely not interested in planning a headache of a party that I’ve seen women go mental about. I have also never been interested in kids and family and a house or a suburban life or learning to cook. Still, life happens and I now find myself happily married, it will be a year soon, 14 months since we met, and I am almost 40. I guess it was about time, and it’s going fantastic, but most of myself still sees Elizabeth as a single girl, that is something I lived as for so long that, yes, it’s hard to change the way you see yourself. I am not saying I look at other men or miss going out: I was never into dancing, drinking, bars, so my going out was hanging out with my girlfriends (which I still do), or dinner with a boy (which I also still do), but… after so many years, being single is more than what you do, for me it was a way of life. And I loved it.

Do I have to go into why I loved it? I guess I do if you’re reading this. Well, I loved living alone, and be around people only when I felt like it. The freedom is amazing. Mostly in a city like NYC where we’re so crowded at all times, it’s nice to have a space just for yourself. And you know no one is going to interrupt it. You see your girls when you want to. And you can spend a whole day at Century 21 if you have to and no one will say a word. And you can keep your place as ocd spotless or a pigsty as you please and no one will even notice. And you can go out as much as you want, and you guessed it, no one will notice. I love the freedom to just do whatever you want at all times and living alone and being single was perfect for that. (I will say it again, just in case, I am happier now, but it’s different type of happy). You have the whole bed for yourself. And you know that that one oreo cookie you left in the box will still be there next time you ~~need~~ want it. And there’s time to do nothing or to cram it all in, without giving any explanations.

Again and again, no need to misinterpret, I actually got used to the company now and I love having Juan around and I miss him when he’s at work or travelling or with his bike and most things I don’t even want to do without him anymore. But I had to transition into that and it wasn’t easy for me. I saw myself as that girl that would always be single (though I would never NEVER be a cat lady!!!).

Anyway, this is a conversation I’ve had with MANY of my single friends who want to be with someone/married/etc. and I am sure it works for men too. I always tell them to

– GIVE UP ON MEN

– EMBRACE BEING SINGLE

yes, you heard it right. That’s what I did and it worked for me. And if the goal is to find someone, I think this plan works better than anything else you can think of (better than actually looking for men!). Let me explain. Let’s assume, for the same of the plot, that you’d like to find someone/get married….

– GIVE UP ON MEN

YES, first rule here. Some men are great most are not. Odds are stoopid like you have to kiss 100 frogs to find a prince. Who has time for that (and seriously YUK and herpes!!!). Dating is a numbers game. You’ll really have to DATE a LOT to find a good one. I did that though. I dated A LOT. As I don’t drink, my dating was always dinner. Or lunch. Or a walk through the park. Stooopid things that I was going to be doing anyway. And, hello, a girl has to eat, I might as well get some company. So, that’s the way you should see dating as, someone who will be trying to impress you over an hour or two while you chow down, which you have to do anyway. Lower your expectations!!!!!! If you do, dating will be just like brushing your teeth every morning! After a couple of weeks, you’ll have a few routine dinner date outfits, you’ll sit there, know what to say without even thinking about it and just eat. And then go home. A date is just that, food. Luckily you’ll hear a good story. Then, really, go home. But, if you didn’t hate it and feel like you could eat with them again, give it a second chance. Don’t ever see this food-companion as anything else unless you can’t help yourself. When I first met with Juan, for ice-cream and it turned into a 4 hour dessert-conversation marathon, I knew something was up. You’ll know. Just don’t put any thought into any dates: it’s just food. So, when the right guy comes along, you’ll be less disappointed (from less failures), less bitter, more free to date him, you’ll be mentally available and interested!

I found out that the more excited I was to meet a new guy, the more disappointed I’d end up. It’s crucial to lower your expectations because we can really be shooting ourselves on the foot here. We all get nervous, and they do too! If you expect too much, you’ll be quite surely disappointed, and he might be too nervous to deliver! And, I also learned that the more I wanted it to work, the easier it’d be for ME to screw it up. Oh, and when we like a guy, we get SO weird and awkward, and we might not even talk to them… oy.

Just give up on them, say yes to food (or whatever other easy activity you’re into), and don’t expect more than food and possibly him telling you one cool story. Don’t even bother prepping too much: the more you stress about your outfit, and the time you spend on make up or hair will be the inverse proportion to the fun you’ll have. You can go, chill, and maybe meet a new friend. Maybe not the love of your life, but go have fun anyway. Who knows?

– EMBRACE BEING SINGLE

When you are single, you’re probably looking for someone. What this means is that you might end up doing things to that purpose: going to a bar, prep for hours, happy hours, etc, which might not be exactly what you’d rather be doing that particular moment, and that shows. I say: do whatever you feel like doing. If you feel like going swimming, reading a book, or take a stroll, do that!! If you feel like taking classes instead of going out, do that! The odds are that you’ll find someone more like you if you’re doing whatever you like, wherever you are, that if you’re forcing it. And the easiest part: we’re all attracted to rounded people that are happy. Let’s say you like playing frisbee, join a frisbee meetup, or a book club or whatever! If you’re doing what you like, you’ll be happier, and who isn’t interested in people who are happy? They’ll have more in common with you (cause they’re in the same place you are!) and it will be less awkward…

Also, let’s look at the worst possible scenario: our worst fear is that we’ll end up alone. Right? Well… one of us will. Let’s assume it’s you. Don’t you want to start figuring it out now?? See what you’ll like to do when your single and alone later? What if we really want to go to South Africa and we are waiting for the right guy to take us? And what if the guy never shows up???? We’re gonna miss out?!!?!??! We’re gonna wait until it’s too late and we’re too old?? NO!!! Embrace this!!!!!! Start enjoying it now instead of fearing it!!! Then you won’t be so afraid, you’ll start having fun, and when you have fun, people want to be around you!! SO SO SO SO SIMPLE.

Well, this is just my experience and how I dealt with this. It’s not simple being a girl (in a big city) with all the mixed messages we get. I am turning into this married woman but a big part of me is still this person and I thought it served me right. I hope you enjoy it NOW, because you don’t know what can happen tomorrow 😉 You might meet the love of your live and you’ll wish you didn’t suffer through this part!!!