So much fallout since my post yesterday to stop running, I had to sit and re-analyze everything all over again… I had so many people being SO understanding… telling me how they felt the same, how it had been a while since they enjoyed it, but they keep at it, or they keep hoping, or how they were scared to even saying out loud.
We need to start sharing more about what we’re scared of. It turns out that every time I post something that I think people will hate, all I hear is “I was scared to say that out loud”. This post here “I choose not to be a better runner” is one of the posts that took the most effort for me to publish. I wrote it and sat on it for weeks, scared that people would stone me. And it created SUCH a positive response (some comments are here), for the most part, that I learned something huge. Most of the things I am afraid to say, need to be said. We all look around sometimes and we think so much before we speak, afraid of how we’re going to be perceived. I’ve learned that the things that scare me the most, always need to be shared: there is someone who is feeling it too. And together we grow, we hold each other’s hand, we learn. And hopefully we can all accept each other.
Yesterday, I had something to say.
- Most of you were very understanding and told me you’d love me anyway whatever I chose to do.
- One person said it was bound to happen.
- Some people were in shock and were trying to understand.
- A LOT send me private messages saying they were going through the exact same thing, and how happy they were to read that they were not alone.
- And another group, tried to “help”, to motivate me to try again, to convince me I hadn’t tried hard enough.
So… with so much hubbub, I had to rethink all my reasons, which I had already pondered for the last 6 months already… I really wanted to put it out there so people knew my head was somewhere else, officially, not to re-analyze and overanalyze and explain everything. But a post is a live thing that you can’t control… so I really had to re-rethink it all.
– Run with no pressure, you’ll love it again – I’ve never had any sort of pressure… never. I just run for fun, and the fun seem to be gone.
– Just keep showing up and you’ll love it again. Hasn’t worked for the last 8 months, and that always used to work before, that’s the only reason why I’ve been running the last months.
– It’s post-marathon blues! Just wait a bit. I’ve been waiting for 8 months! And I can barely call Boston a marathon… I didn’t even have a goal or trained for it.
– You just need a goal. Yeah, any ideas?? I have NO clue what that would be…! I am happy with all I’ve achieved so far.
– You’re burnt from training and racing! I haven’t trained in almost 2 years, I haven’t raced (properly, with training, in over 18 months…)
– You just need new people to run with, since your training partner moved. Well, anytime before that, when I lost a TP, I replaced them right away, this time I didn’t try, and that was over a year ago!
– The winter had you locked in. Once it gets nice you’ll be ok again. It’s nice out already… I’ve trained through tough winters before…
– The ulcer made you stop, the falling made you scared. You’re ok now. No, mentally, I am not interested.
When someone likes me gets to the point where they rather eat-less or diet than run, you know it’s a problem. Now I just have to figure out the rest of my life: it ALL revolves around running… little by little. Sleep patterns change, eating habits change, need to find other hobbies??? I have no idea how to live like a non-runner…
But I have to stop forcing myself to do this. As much as I want it to work out, it is not.
(Deep down, I am REALLY hoping that giving up on it makes me miss it instantly, I am SO hoping that is the case. Nothing yet. Stay tuned)