Two afternoons ago I got home and they bf had great plans to go out. I said ‘Uffffff, I have to run“.
I hadn’t run in two days. I had to. It’s work now some days. And I have to because if not I will put on more weight and then my clothes won’t fit. And that is important because they’re irreplaceable.
Since the NYC Half, I have zero goals. I wrote about this a few weeks ago: I have nothing to aim for. I am very happy with my PRs as they are and probably my problem are my ultra-low expectations. I never thought I’d do a 3:27 marathon, I still barely believe it today. Because I don’t believe I can, I don’t train seriously, I don’t expect to do well, so when I do I am always surprised and happy. And shooting for even faster seems like I’d be pushing it, because I’ve been ” very lucky” so far. So I just run and hope for the best. Then it happens and it seems like a miracle.
Could I possibly lower my PRs? Sure! By a lot? who knows? Do I care to try? NO. I am just gonna run for fun and hope for the best as usual.
That is where the training motivation (the one that makes you wake up early and do speedwork) dies. And on a run yesterday I figured out why now it is worse than ever.
#1. My training partners abandoned me. I am suffering from TP Melancholia. I am!! It’s a real disease and you know it!! After 4 years of training with Blaise, he’s moving to Brooklyn!!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. That sucks (for me). And Patricia is pregnant. It’ll take her a few months to get back up to speed, if she ever has time with the baby stuff.
I feel I had been pushing myself hard just so I could keep training with those two. I was always the slowest and my fear of them saying “you’re too slow, you are slowing us down” was always super motivating. And now, that’s gone. (I am SO tragic, I know!)
#2. I am way to happy with everything in my life. Seriously, everything is peachy. So, no hunger, nothing to prove, no one to impress or get back at, no stress or sadness to throw myself in the runs… Yeah, big first world problems!
So, two nights ago, after putzing around for over an hour, chitchatting with the bf, he ordered me out. I forced my running gear on, dragged myself out to the park, whined a bit, then did 6x800s, just to show myself!!! Then did some drills too.
Please tell me I am an idiot and so self-indulgent and snap me back into place. Please. For now, I am sticking with Fake it until you make it.
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